Being on the wrong side?

Gosh!

I have no idea that the year is almost over. It's seem to be only yesterday when i secretly laughed to myself that i'd one more year to go before i hit the 'era' which was described by YY as being on the wrong side of the 20s.

Since that dreadful day is coming soon, i decided to dedicate this entry to me. Not that i'm narcissist but i simply wanna tell my story. All right, maybe not a story but more like bits and pieces of my overwork mind.

Before i start, let me side-track a bit. I always thought it is amusing how i can compose a long blog entry when i was bathing or on a bus journey but never in front of the computer. It seems like all the inspirations that i get will disappear whenever i touch the keyboard.

What was i going to talk about?

Oh yes. About myself.

It is not that i hate my current life. There is nothing to hate about, except for the awful working environment, family stress. Otherwise, i consider myself to be fortunate. I have a decent paycheck to pay for my shopping, my facial, my indulgent.

But my life is a little dull at the moment.

Work --> Home --> Work

I'm barely keeping in contact with my friends except for those working in my office and YY. I thought it is sad when you are bored at home and realised that you had no one to call cos you haven't been replying. I do not mean that i had no friends. I do have friends. Lots, in fact. But i still feel lonely. Sometimes, i just wish that there will be someone whom i can talk to when i'm down or when i have a terrible secret that i can't tell my friends but him.

As i grow older, romance is a thing of the past. I dreamt of a little excitments. Like that time that i received a bouquet of flowers when i was doing lab or the time where someone came and sang birthday song under my block or the time where someone would just play my favourite tune on the piano over the phone. I missed being loved.

It is not that i'm not being loved. I have people around me who cares deeply about me but i wish that they would show it to me from time to time.

I wish i had someone who sees me as the most fascinating person in world, who listens to my every word, who doesn't put me down or make me feel stupid or inferior because i do not have a good degree to my name.

I wish to have that someone who doesn't think that i'm being shallow because i cannot hold a conversation about current affairs or some deep, uninteresting topics which i had not even heard of.

I wish i had someone who doesn't laugh at me when i did something wrong but to encourage me and smile at me.

I wish i had someone who calls when i sick and bring me porridge.

I wish i had someone who holds me to sleep every night and tells that i do not need to be sad, angry or frustrated over work because that is not important as being together is the most important.

I wish to have a simple reunion dinner the next CNY because i had not have one with my family since.. i also do not know how long ago was that. I could not even remember when was the last time we all shared a table.

I wish to have a home where i can return to after work, feeling peaceful and quiet.

I had a lot of things that i wish. There are a list of things i do not wish.

I do not wish to play stupid office games or politics where i cannot even trust a single soul to bare my heart to. Is it really fun to put people down even though it doesn't make you look good. Why are people so obsessed with finding faults in others? Is it because it really makes us feel better with ourselves?

I do not wish to work in an environment where everyday is a torture. Where waking up to work is a torture, where using the printer is a torture or the photocopy machine because people do not know about basic simple manners like flushing after you have finished using the toilet or clear up the stupid jam that you have caused while using the photocopy machine or replacing the printing papers that you have been stealing from us because you are too lazy to draw a ream for yourself.

I do not wish to be in a profession where the stakeholders treated you like a slave, the mangement treated you like commodities, like you are supposed to die working, where the youngsters are very very rude and doesn't treat you with manners.

I do not wish to go to work and realised that i had aged at least 10 years.

I do not wish to go back to the one place that i call home, only to see my parents fighting over some small matters, which is usually money. I had enough of seeing them fighting for the whole of my life.

I do not wish to see the look on my mom's face when i told her i cannot afford to give her more every month.

I do not wish to go back home anymore, just to be nag at, scold and be more frustrated after a hard day at work where i had being scolded and nag at.

I do not wish to go back home and being called as a good-for-nothing by my own parents.

In fact, there are times where i do not even wish that i'm alive. Cos it can be so painful just to pretend to other people that i'm happy, that i'm a pampered spoilt kid. It kills me even more when people show off to me unintentionally that they have a happy family, one where they can smile everyday.

I do not wish to sit in front of this computer and wonder why am i typing this entry and how pathetic that i am because i cannot just call a friend and start crying out loud.

I do not wish to be constantly asked by friends if i'm ok if i decide to publish this entry because i do not know how to answer them. I don't think i have ever been ok.

I do not wish to be told by people that i can try again the next when i had given all my best, only to realise that giving your best is not enough to get what you want.

So what do i want for my birthday. I do not need cards, presents or cakes. I just want to be smile for 24 hours straight in a day for the first time in my life, if that is ever possible.

Wow! That was a long entry and honestly i do not think anyone would actually finish it. But if you do, i thank you for your patience and that i'm really just being a little emotional and tomorrow i would be fine again. It has always been, isn't it?