Just like the million others who is living under the same sky, I'm just trying to find that significant one to write my own fairy tale stories...

Monday, August 27, 2007

I miss him, badly

I never thought that the house would be so quiet without him around. He wasn’t exactly the most active person around the house. He usually goes about his daily activities quietly and occasionally we would fight for the TV. Yet the past 3 weeks had been weird without him at his usual seat.

It felt like hell for me. 3 weeks seemed to be 3 long months. There is a big change in my lifestyle and I practically lived in the hospital. Not that I mind about running here and there. I just want him to be well and come home again. But sometimes, it is really tough and as time goes, it gets to me somehow. The incident had made me grown more than I ever had for the past 20+ years. It has given me the opportunity to see the good and the evil of man. I had seen so much for the past weeks that I feel like I had years of experiences to share with others.

I’m really grateful to all my friends who sincerely care for me and showered with their unconditional concern. I appreciate them for not asking me what happened but to show their presence as a support. I cannot tell you what that meant to me. But I wish I could shake those who are more interested in a gossip when they speak to me. It is agonizing enough to have to live through this kind of experience. Yet there are individual who pestered me to tell the details as if I’m telling a story. I know it is human nature to be curious but is it really necessary to make me relive that experience so many times.

“What happen?”
“How did it happened?”
“Oh, he fell? Where?”
“Details please!”

Please, just stop asking me those irritating questions. It is not something funny or interesting and I’m definitely not laughing nor do I enjoy these attentions. It is definitely not a topic for your afternoon tea gossip as well. I don’t care what you guys say behind my back, just don’t come and pestered me!

My sis was telling me just yesterday night that people do not understand what we are going through. And yes, they do not understand. I’m quite sick with the superficial concern and then to see them turning their back to repeat the gossip to other colleagues. I don’t need a broadcaster to broadcast this.

I am angry. How can I not be?

I’m not asking everyone to give me their sympathy. I don’t need them as well. But can they at least give me some form of peace. It is just strange that people expect me to be fine because it happened a few weeks ago. How can I be fine? He is still lying in the ICU for god sake.

I have enough of the cold sarcastic remarks as well.

“Is it necessary to go to the hospital everyday?”
“Wah, you are leaving so early everyday. So good!”

Yes, I want to be at the hospital every single day to visit him, to talk to him even if he cannot hear me. What is your problem? So what if I’m leaving earlier than you every single day? I had finished my share of work.

Fingers are pointing because I can’t take on additional workload.

Bad performance grade? So be it.

You want to put it on record? So be it.

If you are judging me because i cannot take on the additional stuffs, don't bother to. I would gladly ask you to scram off. I would still go to the hospital everyday even if you feel that it is unnecessary. No one has the right to tell me how many times I can go to visit him. If I want to stay there for the whole day, that is my business as well.

This incident had made me more resolute to leave next year. I can safely say that I definitely won’t miss those people.

3 Wishes granted:

  • At 7:46 AM, Blogger Suzie said…

    No matter what happen, remember that there is a friend who will always support you all the way :)
    Jia you!

  • At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's really hard for some people to understand. It's not happening to them after all. As for me, I share your feelings as I had a family member in hospital only recently due to ... It was definitely a nightmare, and that it was so difficult to continue with your work and keep up a facade. My colleagues do not know about it so they do talk when they see me leaving so early. It was so sad not to have anyone know what I was going through.

    So now, I'm sending all my good wishes to you. Hang in there k.

    ~A well-wisher, a friend

  • At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm sorry to hear that your colleagues are not giving you space. Maybe you should just announce during staff meeting, let them know you appreciate their 'concerns', and that you would really be grateful if anyone has questions they should come ask you personally or wait till this episode has blown over.

    Hang in there!



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