Just like the million others who is living under the same sky, I'm just trying to find that significant one to write my own fairy tale stories...

Monday, February 23, 2009

It is just a Job.

It is just a job. Is it?

That was what I have been hearing around me. It seemed to be a comfort statement for some of us these days which is pretty much an irony. For in my line, it can never be just a job.

But sometimes I can’t help but feel that it is really just a job. Last week, I did something unbelievable. I gave YY a ‘SOS’ call. I can’t believe it. But the truth is, I pretty much broke down and cried badly as I speak to YY over the phone. I wonder aloud. Where is my pride, my dignity? Have I just become a personal venting machine?

What have I done wrong? I am not aiming for political ambition nor am I interested in a position ‘up there’. All I have wanted to do is to teach. All I have wanted is to follow my students through their final year and send them off to a better future.

I have mellowed and tried so hard to hide under the radar but I was always found. I had tried to change for the sake of pleasing others but I have failed. It just never seemed to be enough for some and to them I just can’t seem to have change enough as well.

I don’t feel like me anymore and I definitely can’t recall the reason why I had joined the service anymore. Is it for them or for the kids? Honestly I do not know now.

Is it just a job? I can’t really answer that question. I wanted to tell myself badly that it is really just a job so that I can just dump all the unhappiness into the dustbin and pretend that I wasn’t affected over the weekend. But then again, if it is just a job, the old me (which everyone who knows me will say) would never have taken that kind of treatment.

Maybe I have become weak because of reality.

Maybe I just need to stand up for myself.

I just wonder, where is my limit and when will I snap?

Sometimes, enough is just enough. After all, it may be just a job.

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