Just like the million others who is living under the same sky, I'm just trying to find that significant one to write my own fairy tale stories...

Sunday, April 24, 2005

What i really think..

This is so strange.. I did not feel any urge to blog nor to do anything. I just wish to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I just wish to do 'brainless' activities. I just do not wish to use any energy.

That is what i wish i could do but alas! Till practicum is over, that kind of life is still far from reach. I still have LPs to write, exam papers to set and notes to create. The worst thing is it is already the last weekend.. I have absolutely no strength left to do it. I have obs from my Vice principal tmr and yet i still went for a mahjong session with Jimmy and company. Till the very moment now, i'm still not exactly doing my work. Burn out? Maybe..

I cannot describe my feeling now.. It is so strange.. It is like i'm leading a busy life (smt to the extend that i have only 2 hrs for sleep..) but yet still i felt the loneliness. It can be so overwheming sometimes. Recently this feeling has been popping out again. Suddenly i felt very inferior. Few days ago, i happened to see an article on how young people get jobs that send them overseas for training and how they will make use of this opportunities to go travelling. And when i read in details, one of the people mentioned is my sec sch classmate. I felt a pang of jealousy.. We both started out even but now i just feel that i'm so much more behind her. It makes me feel like whatever i'm busy with now has no meaning. Of course i'm not demeaning the job of a teacher. It is meaningful but somehow i felt a tiny bit of lost. Do you every have the feeling that every time you look at your friends and they seemed to be doing better and you felt inferior about it. That is how i feel now. I have lotsa dreams of course but it seems like i'm drifting further and further away from it. I even wonder if i can still ever catch them. I want to be studying overseas like my friends.. I'm so afraid that i might be trapped here. Although i have been telling my friends that i would want to go overseas after my bond is up but seriously i do not know if i could do it. I just wish i could leave behind all the troubles and things that i have to handle and go far far away. You may call it as a form of escape. I just wish to be really free from all these for once in my life. I just wish to be free. But now i'm not so sure that i will have that freedom anymore.

Maybe i'm just lonely.. Maybe i do need that special someone like everyone does.. Maybe.. But who knows?

5 Wishes granted:

  • At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Guess what, gal? I felt the same way before. I was very envious of my friends who got the opportunities to study abroad, either with parents' scholarship, or some other scholarship that they had fought hard for. Like you, I wanna have a taste of life outside Singapore. I am sure that the experience would definitely enrich my life and make me a more matured lady. I am glad to say that I have passed this stage of feeling envious of those who have "tasted foreign waters". I still look forward to living overseas, but I no longer feel that I have missed something by not able to study or live outside Singapore. And you know what, with our teaching cert, we can always apply to teach in International Schools outside Singapore. You can also make plans to further your studies abroad. Of course, as we grow older, there are more commitments and other factors that may hinder our decision-making. Life is all about making choices and not regretting. Enjoy the last few days of practicum. Look forward to seeing you in NIE.
    Hugs, Qing

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger KJ said…

    Well, I won't lie. I had a really great time in the US. It was a mixture of seasons, emotions, friends, activities, scenery. I too still get envious when I hear of people travelling.

    But then I know also that a lot of people envy what I do, or have done. Not everyone can be a teacher. And those who really understand the profession take their hats off to us. It's not something tangible.

    Besides, travelling around all the time can be really tiring, and those articles only paint one side of the picture (I should know... I've been interviewed a few times before).

    I think if you can, apply for a 1 year sabbatical, or even write a proposal to your P for a one year attachment to an overseas school.

  • At 9:17 AM, Blogger Ra said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 9:29 AM, Blogger Ra said…

    Moved comment here.

    'coz I too loso, and the comment too long.. :p

  • At 11:33 AM, Blogger peccavi said…

    Firstly, I want to say that this is not a reason to feel inferior. Our local education system does offer us rigorous training and comparing what I have studied in NUS and what others have done elsewhere, I am sure that we are safe in assuming that knowledge-wise, we are as good as the overseas graduates. Oh well, I must admit that teaching wise, the USA colleges have a different system. In that case, we may have missed out the experience, but do we necessarily need to feel inferior?

    Perhaps what we "lost out" in is the experience of living alone overseas without much support, the experience of being a loner and seeing a foreign land and travelling around. By loner, I mean the experience of standing apart from the rest, analysing the world around us differently because we bring with us a very different set of prior knowledge of the world. We have missed out interacting with people from different nations, understanding the different people. I must admit overseas graduates turn out with very different perspectives and points of views at times, and this may be the valuable result of experiencing a different life.

    However, staying home does have its merits too. In my undergraduate years, I had grown closer to my family, spent more time with my close friends, made many more friends, taken up leadership roles, done volunteer work, etc. I feel that staying home means we don't have to adjust to a new lifestyle, and therefore we have a chance to go out and shine in leadership positions. Seriously, I don't see myself stepping out to take any positions of importance. For missing out living on my own, I have instead gained the experience of running committees.

    True, living overseas spells some freedom, and even though we can travel overseas, and live in halls, the feeling is not different. I am not saying local is better than overseas, just that we don't have to feel that we have missed out anything by staying here. Five years ago, I gave up prestigious scholarships to go overseas, and at times, others (and myself too) have lamented that I am too stupid. Looking back, I may have been silly to give up such a rare chance. However, at that point of time, the decision was clear to me.

    Anyway, I may pursue another degree overseas after serving my bond, but it's not a do-or-die dream for me. :) So Cindy, don't have to feel that by staying in your little island, you are losing out a lot. Trust me, staying in the rat race here and surviving the daily tortures of being a teacher is a lot more than many people dare take on. Like KJ said, we are in a class of our own too ;)


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