One year down.. How many more to go?

YY reminded me that it has been a year since we were full-pledged. And i kept thinking to myself, has it only been a year?

A lot has happened in this year. That's for sure.

I'm really tired and i do not know if i will managed to get this entry out.

Where should i even start? Maybe i should start by comment on the current status of my workdesk. Two words would summarise it just nice. Total mess! It is so messy that i'm constantly losing my stationary under the pile of stuffs on my tables. I get so frustrated by the untidiness of my desk, for i couldn't even find a decent, tiny area to do marking! The worst thing is, i couldn't seem to find a time to tidy it. Everyday, there will be people reminding me that there are deadlines for this, and deadline for that. There are simply too many things to do that i have forgotten about some totally.

A colleague brought up the topic that she might be the next potential subject head and i felt happy for her. It is not easy to get recognition in a school like mine. At the same time, i felt a tiny bit of jealousy. Sometimes, i wish things were more simpler in my department too. I know YY is right, students are our first priority but everyone wants to be recognise too. Don't you, YY? I just wish for people to recognise that i'd really tried my best but i really couldn't perfect every single thing that they had handle out.

S mentioned to me today that he is always seeing me running around. I stopped and think, he is right. I'm either busy shuffling between the classes during lesson time or i will somehow be assign stuffs to do after school. Yet, when i'm trying to enjoy the rare few minutes of break at my desk, there will always be people to come up and causally mentioned that i'm so free to be taking a break. Arrrghhhh.. Kirk had been in my school for a month and yet i don't even have the time to sit down and have lunch with him. Can't you believe it?

I serious wonder what i should do. When i try to be nice and agree to help others out, they take me for granted. Why do people have to judge? Why do people have to be so stupidly lazy? I'm sick of hearing people asking me why i do not want to do it. Why do i have to explain every single thing? I'm only exercising my right to say 'No'. Why can't they understand that i'm not obligated to help them do the work which is rightfully theirs?

I'm not required to help you take your classes out for excursion because you can't make it. I'm not obligated to help you arrange the tables and chairs and equipment for your class activities nor am i obligated to do the ppt slides for all the chemistry topics, just for your convenient sake. These are not my duties, so why can't i say no? Is it because i have never reject your request before? Why must i shorten my holiday trip just so that i can help you bring your students out? For god sake, i'm not even in your CCA. There are so many teachers in the staffroom, so why me? Why can they say no and not me?

I have enough of this. I have enough of people making decision for me to help them to do things and i have enough of people not trusting what i'm saying. I have enough of trying to tell people my situation, only to have them telling me to cool down and not be so aggressive. So doesn't you people believe what i say? Is it so difficult to believe what i'm saying about my workplace? I'm sick of people telling me to go for anger management, to try not to ask for too much and how to better manage my time. Why is it that the first thing that comes to you people's mind is that it must be because of me and only me? Have it ever occurs to you that maybe the situation is really bad. Yes, i know i have a bad temper and i'm pretty agressive but that doesn't make me a liar.

How many of you have actually seen me work till late hours in school everyday or how many of you have seen me falling sick because i can't even have a decent meal in school most of the time? So why judge me? Why not being objective and unbiased?

YY asked me this afternoon if i'm ok emotionally. No, i'm not ok. I'm stressed, physically drained, tired and depressed. I'm so depressed that i have been thinking about just breaking the bond and get the hell of out here. I'm so depressed that i hate getting out of bed every morning to go to school. And i hate these feelings that i'm feeling now. I tired telling my RO that i just can't handle the workload anymore and all he said was to ask me to be creative about juggling the jobs. How much help is that???

I need a break. I really need the June holidays to sit down and rethink about what do i want and what i should do.