This is me

It was a rude wake up call but it was necessary.

I have tried a lot of things even if Hitler and Co do not agree with me.

I tried to please them by changing my stand and attitude. I tried to change my teaching style and practically adopting the so called ‘good’ teaching style even down to the way on how the PPT slides should look like.

I tried to swallow my pride and bear with the ridiculous treatments thrown at me by Oldie and not flared up but apologized instead even when it is obvious that Oldie is just being unreasonable or just treating me as a convenient vending outlet for the not-so-happy personal life.

I gave up my pride and lower myself to do tasks for Oldie which I feel is the job of a maid or a personal assistant.

In fact, I gave up being myself.

In the past few months, I’m everything but me. I no longer have my own style (even the way I dress) nor do I feel like I’m a human working in my current environment. I feel like a dog, barking when they want me to or fetching when they throw a bone to me.

In the end, the assessment given to me was “You are ONLY performing as expected”. In short, I was just being threatened with a ‘D’ grade.

I remember exactly how I spent the weekend after receiving the news on a Friday. I sat down on my table and cried as I marked the Examination Papers and wondering where or what have I not done correctly. There are those whom I feel had been performing worse (but probably better at wayang-ing than me) and could be spend the exact same weekend rest and relaxing while I’m slogging until late at night, trying to finish up the piles. Yet, they are not the one to be threatened with a ‘D’ grade.

So, for the whole weekend, I cried and marked, stopped to mark more and cried somemore while marking at the same.

Despite feeling very injustice about the whole incident, I actually asked myself what else I could change to please them.

A few days later, my mom gave me a big scolding. She is unhappy that I have not visited my dad in the hospital for almost two weeks after he had been admitted. I was actually quite pissed at her for scolding when I feel that I had already been scolded enough at work. Slowly, the scolding turned in sobbing.

She told me that my dad was not doing well at all with the treatments in the hospital. She told me that he was depressed and desperately needed our care and concern. I gave her a hug and told I will go and visit. But the promise is once again drowned by the piling up work and on how to please others.

Few more days had passed before I received a scariest phonecall from my sister. She is at the hospital and she told me that my dad is refusing treatments because he wished to die to be relieved from all the physical pains. I remember my knees going weak when I asked her how my dad is doing and she replied “Not well at all”. The next day morning, we received a call from the doctor for updates on my dad. Basically, the doctor mentioned that my dad had not responded to the treatments yet and his condition may turn for the better or worse. He asked my sister to be prepared although I really wonder what that means.

I told my sister I’m not ready to give up yet.

I went to the hospital in the afternoon and told my dad how much I really love him. No matter what he is going through and how tough it is, he simply cannot give up because his family is with him. I begged to him to continue for us, for his family.

I spent the rest of the day worried for my dad and I spent the night looking at the ceiling, wondering what I have done for the past few months. I pondered about what I have lost.

I have lost my confidence, my pride, my dignity and most importantly, my time with my love ones. I remembered asking for my dad not to be taken from me 2 years ago and promised to spend more time with him but I have failed to keep that promise.

I wondered if everything that had happened acts as a wake up call for me, to make me realized what is important to me before it is too late. It was there and then that I made a decision.

I CHOOSE my family.

I have spent so much time trying to please other people that I had forgotten to spend time with the ones that really matters.

I have spent so much time crying so comments or judgments passed about me even when I know it is not true.

I have spent so much time wasting on worrying about how the others at work viewed me when I should be spending my time worrying for those who are important to me.

I have spent so much time being upset with some who comfort me at this moment and turned to tell others that I must be really lousy as an educator because Hitler and Co thinks so.

After the decision was made, every little thing that I have spent my time on seemed so pointless.

I’m not going to give up and jumped into the black hole of self pity. But I have chosen to ignore things that I don’t agree. I have simply decided to be me again.

Even if this decision is going to earn me a ‘D’ grade or more harsh treatments from the others, I will not be upset about them anymore. Some may have taken it as a sign of me giving and thus admitting to Hitler and Co that they are right and that I’m useless. But I really couldn’t care more now.

In fact, the idea of getting a ‘D’ grade or losing my job isn’t half as scary as not being able to see my dad.

It wasn’t easy for me to write this entry. I’m a very private person and I have not share these thoughts with anyone but now I’m baring my innermost thoughts on the internet for everyone to see. But I feel that there is a need to release and to let go.

I’m not writing to complain about Hitler and Co or wanting others to sympathize with me.

I’m writing to affirm the decision that I have made and that this will be the last time that I’m going to get upset about work and those relating to work.

If you chose to look down on me about how I relate to work, go ahead. I don’t really care whether you are the pet or however mighty you think you might be. Just leave me alone or I promise this time round, I will BITE back.

My dad’s condition seemed to be turning for the better the day after I had visited him at the hospital. I have made a point to visit him at the hospital everyday and this time round, I do NOT want to make any more excuses about being tired.

So, if you are my friend, don’t feel sorry for me but instead pray with me for the speedy recovery of my dad so that I could receive him home and spent more quality time with him.

I know it WILL happen. I just want it to be sooner.