To J

It happened again.

A friend of mine who had not contacted me for nearly a year just called me. But that wasn't a call to ask me how i'm doing. It was a call to inform me that i'd lost another friend. This time, i did not even get to attend the funeral for it had happened 2 weeks ago and they couldn't contact me because they do not have my number and had to wait for this particular friend of mine to come back and inform me.

My mind is in a total blank now. I do not know how to feel. Somewhere inside me, i felt like crying but i'm unusually calm now. Like when i first heard of V's death. Maybe the feeling of sadness will hit me later. I'm really start to get a phobia of getting calls from friends who had not called me for some times..

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J was my senior from my junior collage. My OG has a very close relationship and most of us are in the same CCA. We spent the best of our 2 years joking and having fun. J wasn't a particularly funny guy but he does always has his way to make us laugh. Until now i can still remember how we used to carry oranges around and go to each other house during Chinese New Year. There was this incident where we had reached J's HDB block but we do not know which level did he stay and we did stupid things like standing under his block and shouting for him (which actually works). I still remember telling myself that his family must have loved birds for they had lotsa bird at home.

I had forgotten when we had stop such gathering but i think it should be 1,2 years ago. We simply get too busy. But we still meet up here and then. I still met him at the NTU campus earlier this year when i'm still training in NIE. He still called me months back and asked us to go movies. I made up an excuse and said that i have assignments to complete when actually i was just simply too lazy to go out because i wanna rot in my hall. I was thinking, it is ok to miss this one because i can always ask him and the rest out the next time. There is still amber time for us to gather.

Well, i was wrong. I will never get to fulfill that movie date that i had promised him. I kinda hate myself now. Is this a cruel joke or is someone up there trying to me that i should treasure my friends and never put off meeting them for small things like because i'm too lazy to go out?

It is Deja Vu all over again.

I can't believe i'm posting this. I can't believe i had to go through this again. I have only just accepted V's death and am still waiting for an answer to his mystery death and now this?

I'd the urge to call all my JC friends and ask them if they know what happened to J. But here i'm blogging instead. Really, what is the point of asking? The fact is that he is gone and i didn't get a chance to pay my last respect to him because i'm missing from too many gatherings that not many have my number.

I'm supposed to put up an entry as a memorial for J but here i'm writing nonsense. I hate myself.

Screw life. I hate it.