Just like the million others who is living under the same sky, I'm just trying to find that significant one to write my own fairy tale stories...

Monday, February 23, 2009

It is just a Job.

It is just a job. Is it?

That was what I have been hearing around me. It seemed to be a comfort statement for some of us these days which is pretty much an irony. For in my line, it can never be just a job.

But sometimes I can’t help but feel that it is really just a job. Last week, I did something unbelievable. I gave YY a ‘SOS’ call. I can’t believe it. But the truth is, I pretty much broke down and cried badly as I speak to YY over the phone. I wonder aloud. Where is my pride, my dignity? Have I just become a personal venting machine?

What have I done wrong? I am not aiming for political ambition nor am I interested in a position ‘up there’. All I have wanted to do is to teach. All I have wanted is to follow my students through their final year and send them off to a better future.

I have mellowed and tried so hard to hide under the radar but I was always found. I had tried to change for the sake of pleasing others but I have failed. It just never seemed to be enough for some and to them I just can’t seem to have change enough as well.

I don’t feel like me anymore and I definitely can’t recall the reason why I had joined the service anymore. Is it for them or for the kids? Honestly I do not know now.

Is it just a job? I can’t really answer that question. I wanted to tell myself badly that it is really just a job so that I can just dump all the unhappiness into the dustbin and pretend that I wasn’t affected over the weekend. But then again, if it is just a job, the old me (which everyone who knows me will say) would never have taken that kind of treatment.

Maybe I have become weak because of reality.

Maybe I just need to stand up for myself.

I just wonder, where is my limit and when will I snap?

Sometimes, enough is just enough. After all, it may be just a job.

Monday, February 02, 2009

You know that you are very stress when...

You know you are very stress with work when

You just couldn’t fall asleep at night even when you are very tired.
You kept waking up in the middle of the night, wondering if you had just overslept for work.

I am very stressed with work.

Let’s me quote what my head had told me over the weekend. In his words, he felt that I had let him down. That particular statement did not come about after an observation or a survey but from the fact that he feels that I had not made any progress in the areas that the management had made known to me last year. After hearing that, I felt pissed and greatly disappointed. Since when had the ministry decided to base their assignment on feelings or inappropriate survey sample size?

I am not trying to find a grand excuse for the situation. But I can safely say that it is unfair for the management to judge if an educator had done well by just asking one or two students from one class. What about the rest? Why was it that the positive comments are always thrown out of the windows and never being mentioned while the feedback from one student is placed of great emphasis? I’m not just to say I’m excellent. All that I was trying to say was that I had my strengths too. If my ppt slides and methods of teaching were that horrible, why would it be adapted by the other more senior educators?

I could fairly say that even a senior educator would not be able to please everyone and if I would to ask around, there will definitely be that few minor who just do not like the lesson. All that I’m hoping for is a fairer assessment.

With all that I have talk about, I will rise up to the challenge and although I may not be able to reach a stage where they will have no criticism about me but at least I can minimize it.