A song

Was looking at some files in my comp and i found this.


It is a song written specially for me by the person who nicknamed me "Cindirella". A nickname which i still use till today. A pity that i have forgotten the tune though. Now, which kind soul wants to help me compose a tune for it?

One year down.. How many more to go?

YY reminded me that it has been a year since we were full-pledged. And i kept thinking to myself, has it only been a year?

A lot has happened in this year. That's for sure.

I'm really tired and i do not know if i will managed to get this entry out.

Where should i even start? Maybe i should start by comment on the current status of my workdesk. Two words would summarise it just nice. Total mess! It is so messy that i'm constantly losing my stationary under the pile of stuffs on my tables. I get so frustrated by the untidiness of my desk, for i couldn't even find a decent, tiny area to do marking! The worst thing is, i couldn't seem to find a time to tidy it. Everyday, there will be people reminding me that there are deadlines for this, and deadline for that. There are simply too many things to do that i have forgotten about some totally.

A colleague brought up the topic that she might be the next potential subject head and i felt happy for her. It is not easy to get recognition in a school like mine. At the same time, i felt a tiny bit of jealousy. Sometimes, i wish things were more simpler in my department too. I know YY is right, students are our first priority but everyone wants to be recognise too. Don't you, YY? I just wish for people to recognise that i'd really tried my best but i really couldn't perfect every single thing that they had handle out.

S mentioned to me today that he is always seeing me running around. I stopped and think, he is right. I'm either busy shuffling between the classes during lesson time or i will somehow be assign stuffs to do after school. Yet, when i'm trying to enjoy the rare few minutes of break at my desk, there will always be people to come up and causally mentioned that i'm so free to be taking a break. Arrrghhhh.. Kirk had been in my school for a month and yet i don't even have the time to sit down and have lunch with him. Can't you believe it?

I serious wonder what i should do. When i try to be nice and agree to help others out, they take me for granted. Why do people have to judge? Why do people have to be so stupidly lazy? I'm sick of hearing people asking me why i do not want to do it. Why do i have to explain every single thing? I'm only exercising my right to say 'No'. Why can't they understand that i'm not obligated to help them do the work which is rightfully theirs?

I'm not required to help you take your classes out for excursion because you can't make it. I'm not obligated to help you arrange the tables and chairs and equipment for your class activities nor am i obligated to do the ppt slides for all the chemistry topics, just for your convenient sake. These are not my duties, so why can't i say no? Is it because i have never reject your request before? Why must i shorten my holiday trip just so that i can help you bring your students out? For god sake, i'm not even in your CCA. There are so many teachers in the staffroom, so why me? Why can they say no and not me?

I have enough of this. I have enough of people making decision for me to help them to do things and i have enough of people not trusting what i'm saying. I have enough of trying to tell people my situation, only to have them telling me to cool down and not be so aggressive. So doesn't you people believe what i say? Is it so difficult to believe what i'm saying about my workplace? I'm sick of people telling me to go for anger management, to try not to ask for too much and how to better manage my time. Why is it that the first thing that comes to you people's mind is that it must be because of me and only me? Have it ever occurs to you that maybe the situation is really bad. Yes, i know i have a bad temper and i'm pretty agressive but that doesn't make me a liar.

How many of you have actually seen me work till late hours in school everyday or how many of you have seen me falling sick because i can't even have a decent meal in school most of the time? So why judge me? Why not being objective and unbiased?

YY asked me this afternoon if i'm ok emotionally. No, i'm not ok. I'm stressed, physically drained, tired and depressed. I'm so depressed that i have been thinking about just breaking the bond and get the hell of out here. I'm so depressed that i hate getting out of bed every morning to go to school. And i hate these feelings that i'm feeling now. I tired telling my RO that i just can't handle the workload anymore and all he said was to ask me to be creative about juggling the jobs. How much help is that???

I need a break. I really need the June holidays to sit down and rethink about what do i want and what i should do.

Luckily, it is over. The Australian Science Competition which i was in charge of, was finally over. A big thanks to Kirk who helped me invigilated the papers. How can i thank you?

My poor leg is aching from all the walking and running. They need a massage! haha..

I just bought a new phone! The all new nokia 3250 and it is pink! So me. You guys are gonna see more of my photo now that i have a 2 magapixel camera.

Pre-Monday blues

Since i have been woken up by the constant sms and calls, i decided to stay up instead to continue with my marking and a little blogging. Don't ask me why i'm not in school. Brr...

I have been semi-conscious for the whole weekend. K called and asked me where i have been partying. He found it hard to believe that i've been staying home for the 3 days, only leaving my house to help my mom signing up for her starhub phone line. Is it so hard to believe, my friend? I'm no longer the party girl that you know in varsity. In fact, my life is pretty boring now or rather i do not have the extra strength to get dressed and get out. Come to think of it, no one has asked me out for a date for the longest time! Ok, except that KJ had asked me out for dinner with YY. I'm must be losing my appeal. I'm getting old. Sobz~

Now i know why they have extended my SDU membership for another two years. Maybe i need it.

Creativity?

Maybe our school needs a voice message like this..

This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection.

a.. To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
b.. To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
c.. To complain about what we do - Press 3
d.. To swear at staff members - Press 4
e.. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
f.. If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
g.. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
h.. To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8
i.. To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
j.. To complain about school lunches - Press 0
k.. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework,and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack ofeffort...hang up and have a nice day!

I hate Singpore weather. Aside from the fact that it gives me breakout, it is also amazingly unpredictable! It can be freezing cold today and incredibly hot the next.

I hate to do invigilation on a hot day. Imagine sweating under the fan, wishing it would turn faster. Yucks!

Am so tempted by CW's new phone. Think i'm gonna get a 3G phone as well.

It is so easy to immerse oneself in hatred and forget what is important to him. Sigh.. I wish i could lecture that.

As i stand looking at the NT kids which i'd invigilated just now, i felt sad for them. They have been branded by the society and the school is not giving them any attention because they are the NT kids. However, as i looked at the serious look on their faces when they are trying the face, i felt that we, as teachers had failed them. My friend commented that i'm too emtional. Maybe i'm. But it is really hard not to feel frustrated at the reality.

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I wonder if my Taiwan trip will fall through. No details had been set nor the person that i wanna travel with. Everything is still on a lookout. Sigh.. Why is it always so difficult to plan a holiday?

I Support PAP!

There. I have say it out loud and clear.

I'm gonna say once and final. Enough is enough.

It all started when i mentioned few days ago that i'm going to vote for PAP for my GRC. Apparently, that was the wrong answer.

They couldn't stop asking me why i choose to vote for PAP and not the other party. They even tried to tell me that i should just waste my vote so that i do not make up the large number of votes that PAP is gonna get in my GRC. When i insisted my stand, they say i have been bought over by the Progress Package. Allow me to curse and swear.

FUCK YOU!

Why should i be insulted just because i choose to vote for PAP? Why should i be question because i choose to vote for PAP? What is WRONG for voting for PAP? So you think you are all mighty and noble because you wouldn't vote for them?

So childish. Really.

I can't think any higher of a person who threw personal insults to another because i support another party. So why do i vote for PAP?

Because, i think they are more suitable candidates to run my GRC than the other party. It is that simple to me. It has always been. I vote for the person i think is good. Having living for 24 years, i think i'm at least capable of making that one decision.

If you are that noble as you make youself to be, why did you accept the Progress Package too? Why don't you just throw it away or donate it to some charity? Yes, my family is not well-to-do. Yes, i'm receiving a smaller paycheck that you people but so? That doesn't mean i'm money-hungry. The last time i check, i still hold my head high for saying that i have not done a wrong thing for money sake. So what if i'm happy to receieve the PP? Everyone is happy to have a little spare cash here and there. But let me tell you this, if the party is not up to standard, no amount of PP would buy me over. I'm educated and i have my own political views. So get your stupid and hurtful comments out of my face.

I don't wish to argue anymore. PAP has won by a large percentage for my area. That is all that matters.

Short Friday

I think teachers have extreme mood swing. At least, i do. At the beginning of the week, i was feeling rather low but now, i'm enjoying myself with my dear form class. They may be naughty and gave me lotsa troubles from time to time but i looked at their faces, i knew i'd been total defeated by their adorable faces. If i'm gonna quit, i will miss these kind of moments..

Thanks to KJ and YY for the encouragement. I'm ready to set off again.

Everyone is in a high spirit today. It could be due to the fact that we have to leave school by 1pm. That mean we can official say we need to stop working by 1pm. Yeah! It's official. What can we do right? We are just following orders. Haha..

Speaking of holiday... That brings up the topic of General Election 2006. Everyone (and i mean almost everyone) is talking about it. People kept asking me who am i going to vote.. Oh well, voting is meant to be secret right? *wink*

Look! It's flyng!

I feel better this morning. Though i still wake up, having the same thoughts and questions about my profession. I believe the day will get better. I get to see my adorable Sec one kids for the whole day.

I was enjoying the peace of the morning, brushing my teeth when suddenly a big fat coachroach flew in from my kitchen window (how the hell did it manage to fly to the 6th floor remains a mystery to me..), shattering every single piece of quietness in my house. Naturally, i screamed. Then the usual hide-and-seek begins, with me trying to hide and the coachroach seeking me out. After a few minutes, it gave up and disappeared into the darkness of the night. My sister commented that i was lucky it didn't fly into my mouth as i screamed. The thought of that makes me shrudder.

What a way to start a morning...

A Holy Day, not a holiday..

Last week i heard an exciting piece of news from a friend. That is all the schools in Singapore is given a replacement holidy for the election on this Sat.

Excitedly, i told this to some of my colleagues. To which they simply reply, asking me not to hope too much. They said that based on their working experience with the management, they porbably would set that one day of holiday as the Marking Day. What does this mean? It mean, in the end, there will still be no holiday for us.

On top of that, there is deadline for the marking of MYE papers (which is fair) but in between the marking, the teachers are supposed to attend a certain training course for a software. So where are we supposed to find the time to mark? Well, that will be our problem liao. Not theirs. The last time i check, there must be a awful lot of superman and wonderwoman in our school.

I asked my HOD for advise for the overwheming of workload, especially the admin part and how i', struggling to find time for marking books and preparation of lessons. His answer?

"You have to be creative in doing marking."

Someone tell me what is creative.

The thoughts of a teacher

I had never thought i would say this. But i am now.

I am losing passion for my profession. In fact, many times a week i wonder why i even join this line in the first place.

Yes, it's sad.

I had forgotten what it feels like to go to school everyday with an exciting feeling. During my practicum, i loved going to the school to teach. The idea of meeting with my students and fellow colleagues is so wonderful that i don't even mind the difficult classes. For those who are thinking that i must be having an easy time, i only say that i do have a very difficult class. But that doesn't stop me. I have my ways to handle them and the school supported me even though i'm only a trainee then. In fact, i can't wait to be a full pledged teacher.

Now, i'm just dragging myself to school. I winced when the holidays are over and hate it when i have to come in the morning. Afterall, what do i have to look forward to? Colleagues who can't wait to order you around or show you their superiority? Students who don't give a damn about you, not to mention about respecting you? Or management who questions about your classroom management skills but never question about the kind of students existing in the class? I can understand why the trainees do not want to be back.

Why are there so many rules and regulations that do not make any sense nor logic to me? Am i being too stupid? Why can't the taxi stop at the car pouch during rainy days? Does it really make sense to make the passenger get out of the cab into the rain? What is the car pouch for? VIP?

In a school where students and adminstrative staffs are treated with more respect than the teachers, what kind of morale do you expect from us? So forgive us if we looked like we do not want to come to work because we really do not want to.

Maybe i should just quit my job and be an OL. Hey, at least i get more time to myself.

A year ago when ppl asked me if i would quit after my bond, i had say i would see where i'm but now, i think i most probably would.