Stupid dance studio

I received a call from the salsa studio today. They called to tell us that they currently DO NOT have any guys for tomorrow salsa lesson. So the lesson which is supposed to start tomorrow will be postpone for a week or two. But YY and i was wondering if they never did find any guys to join, how? Postpone infinitely till there is finally guys who joins?

This is so crap. They do not have any males for the dance but they still dare to accept female for the course. So unethical of them. No wonder they are situated in some unknown part of Singapore. When YY asked them about the guy-girl ratio for the class, they still dare to say it is roughly 7 girls to 3 guys. Where is the guys now? Although the course is very cheap ($70 for 10 lessons) but that doesn't give them the right to give us, consumers, this kind of crap. Should have known that 'pian yi mei hao huo'!

To think i was so excited that i'm gonna start on a new course tomorrow. Still pissed with them now. The worst was that they actually informed us only the day before (somemore at 8pm). Are they hoping that by some miracle that some guys will join by today?

Guess i'll just go for Lindy III lesson tomorrow instead. Oh, well. Maybe that is for the best.

P/S: Maybe some genie heard your wish yy. Perhaps, she thought you really couldn't bear with lindy 3 lessons.. Haha...

She is my secondary school classmates and now we are colleagues! How cool is that? 

My colleagues.. Dun you think this pic is kinda scary? I also dunno why only her face is blur?? 

Anger Management

I read in last Sunday's Straits Times that 1 out of 5 Singaporeans get angry at least once a day. This prompt me to sit down and think about it. Not surprisingly, i belong to the 1 out of 5 Singaporeans who get angry at least once a day. Especially bad temper now cos the students get on my nerves.

The new timetable sucks. They squeezed all my worst classes in 4 periods straight from Mon till Wed and most of the time, i dun even get time off to rest or eat until half the day is over. Do i have to get bullied like this simply because i'm new? My friend asked me to bear with it because BT is not supposed to speak up. To the hell with the system. Why should we BT suffer with lousy timetable so that the senior teachers can sit in the staffroom and breeze through every single day?

One of the teachers asked me to learn to adapt this system. Does that translate into asking me to keep my mouth shut and bear with all the shits that i'm given? (It is easy for her to say that when you are not given teh shit..) I'm sorry if that is what she meant. If i'm given more than 2 periods of relief (which is the standard for teachers to relief in a day), i'll sure KBKB. Becausing i think it is super f***king unfair. A fellow BT says that maybe they purposely planned my timetable this way cos they are lacking in teachers to relief. And now i cannot reject the relief period because i've no lesson on that day. So i have to accept, no matter how many relief periods i get.

Sigh.

I'm tired. I kept asking my fellow BTs, how are we supposed to survive in the next 2-3 years? We get the lousy timetables, lousy classes and all the extra duties. (i was 'forced' to take up the night remedial thing.. So much for saying that it is pure voluntary..) I dun mind chipping in my shares but i seriously think enough is enough. The doc says that i'm under too much stress and if this goes on, i will be having high blood pressure pretty soon. Crap.. It is only the first 5 weeks of school..

P/S: These few weeks i kept wondering.. Am i the only one who is faced with classroom management problems? It is getting quite depressing. 2 of my classes are clearly getting out of hand and i'm already up to my bottle-neck in trying to discipline them. It is quite evident that one of these classes hates me and is trying to challenge me everytime i stepped in. Everytime i read yy, KJ and GQ's blogs and saw the things that they wrote in their blogs on teaching, i can't help but think that maybe it is really me. Maybe i just sucks at being a teacher....

New Timetable!

This is my third timetable i'd since school had reopened. Apparently, my school has the policy of trying to oblige to teachers' request on how they want their timetable to be. I heard that the highest record was having 6 timetable change!

As a BT, i have no power over how i want my timetable to be so i can only quietly accept it. Frankly i hate the new timetable. My old timetable was better. At least my 25 periods are evenly spread out. But for the new one, i will have packed teaching periods from Mon to Thu (will abt 7 periods everyday), some 5 periods straight (tiring) and guess what? My fri will be free. No teaching periods at all. Before you guys go screaming that it is good what, let me remind you something. My school has quite a high MC rate. That means every Friday i will become a relief teacher. This sucks. This will also means that my teaching periods per week is gonna be way more than 25 if you include all the relief periods. I hate reliefing. I rather be teaching. Just when i thought the school is getting better, they have to give me this kind of crap. Still kinda furious when i think abt it now. Crap. Dun force me to take MCs every Friday.

Then again, there may be a new timetable change again. Hopefully...

I'm trying not to come online these days cos if i do, i will be spending time doing things like surfing ppl's blogs. That is only meant for leisure, because now i have so much work to finish.. Really cannot afford to keep wasting time like this. I need to get started on the worksheet that i wanna hand out to my students tmr.. Bummer..

Trust

It is such a simple five-letters word but it requires so much effort to actually trust someone or something.

Sometimes, i really wonder what kind of world do we lived in.. We have people bombing and killing innocent lives for no apparent reason. We have to live in fear, looking out for every suspicious-looking package, afraid that it might be a bomb. What happens to the good old days where people can go anywhere without fearing that their heads might flew off the next minute?

I was chatting with an old friend over the phone last night and we are talking about my obvious lack of trust for guys. Well, can you blame me? My lack of trust is due to all the experiences that i have over the years. So much had happened that sometimes, i don't even know who i can really trust to pour my heart out without having my words been broadcasted. I looked at friends and wonder if they are just like ML, who pretend to care for me but actually was really trying to gather first-hand info so that he has things to gossip. I looked at colleagues and wonder if they will be just like others who will eventually try to bring me down if i happen to perform better than them. I look at guys and wonder if they will be just like the many other jerks who just cannot practise monogamy.

Over the years, i have been backstabbed by colleagues, betrayed by friends and having my ex cheating on me. I can tell you it is pretty upsetting. Seeing all these happening to my friends don't help neither. Yes, i have no trust for anything now for the fact that i do not want to get hurt again.

Who could really blame anyone else for not trusting each other when we couldn't even donate in peace without thinking if the money will be misused.

It is just a messed up world...

Lindy? Salsa?

It has been a while since i have written something sensible in this blog. Most of the time, i'm simply too tired to blog although i have a lot of things to say.

School life is busy but i'm starting to take things in my stride. No point being upset over things that i cannot change. But, i managed to get myself out of the N Level oral thing. Sometimes, i wonder how i do it too..

I love and hate Friday. Love it 'cos it means that the weekend is very near. Hate it cos i have class with my 2/7. It is not as if i really hate that class a lot but simply that they drain my energy away whenever i have lessons with them. Now, i'm starting to build up a resistance in going into that class. This is bad. How?

After missing Lindy for a week, i finally decided to go for classes today. However, fate stepped in and still i din managed to go for today classes. I ended up having a 'bitch & eat' session with KJ and YY. It was still fun.

I think YY and i are too honest. We actually paid $5 to go for swing fling. I'm feeling a little bit heartache over it cos the fling doesn't seem to be worth of the money (i've dance like only at most 4 dances...). I'm a total disaster at the dance floor. I have forgotten most of the steps after slacking off a week. I pity the guys who dance with me, especially Joel. I din mean to hit you Joel, it was an accident. Sorry.. Eggie was busy reminding me of my frame (which was non-existance) and KJ had a hard time trying to make me remember my steps... I feel so crap about it. I must be really lousy to forget everything after a short while.

Ade asked me on the cab just now on why i wanna switch to salsa when Lindy 3 is so fun. Well, it is fun.. It is just difficult to explain why i wanna do the switch now. It is not like i'm giving up totally on Lindy, i'm still going for swing fling. Plus, more ppl in my school knows salsa and none knows Lindy. At least i can still practise salsa with my colleagues. While for Lindy, i can't do anything except to wait for Thur to come. But most of the time, i dun get to practise as well. It is a little bit disheartening, especially ppl like me who needs a lot of practise to get a step right. I feel paiseh for making ppl to practise with me when they could be having fun with the rest. After a while, when the gap became too big, it becomes difficult for me to dance with them. I would feel rather bad about myself when i couldn't catch up with the learning curve of other ppl or when i couldn't follow ppl's lead. Maybe salsa is just a break for me to step away from all these negative thoughts about myself when i go for Lindy.

I'm finally getting to go out with YY after so long. Yahoo! We are checking out and registering for Salsa tmr. Perhaps we can do a little shopping as well. I'm just exicted to be able to spend time with friends. Finally time away from school...

I can handle a class of pupils with disciplinary problems. I can handle kids with family problem.. But i just can't manage a class full of brats who is too pampered by their parents. How do you even start with them?

Finally..

Finally.. I think i have sort it all out. It has been a very eventful week. I survived through days where my classes made me cried, people bitching about me behind my back. But the worst thing of all, a supposed friend cum colleague bad-mouthing me to the students. It still buffers me why he want to do that. Sure, that will put him in the good boots of the students but is it necessary? The students will eventually find out for themselves what kind of teacher am i. They may hate me now because of what he says but i'm confident that that view will change. I really dun want any troubles but since he had challenged me, i shall gracefully accept it. He better watch out from now on.

But i have learned something good out of all these things. First, i learned that i actually have some pretty good colleagues who gave me advices and encouragements when they see that i'm down. Of course i have also seen through the true colours of some (at least now i know who are the ones that i should avoid).

The weekend provides a good chance for me to sit down and really think what i want out of these 3 years. It gave me a chance for me to think about the reason why i've just a good time teaching during my practicum, yet now i'm struggling with my classes. I have allowed my displease for the school to interuppt with my teaching. If i'm not sincere about teaching my students, why would they be sincere with me? I'm glad that at least i'm finally seeing some lights. Sure, my school is tough. But as the saying goes "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going". I'm a survivor so i'm pretty sure i will survive and thrive anywhere i go.

I must really thank my NIE gang for all their endless encouragement and their patience for putting up my constant complains. I think i'm ready for the new week in school.

I'm so sick of...

You wanna know what am i sick of? This is what i'm sick of.

I'm so sick of ppl coming up to me and ask me if my class are managable. Most of them dun even mean it. They just wanna you to say that you can't handle a handful of students, then they will proudly say that "Oh, but they are not so bad in my class you know? I never have problem with them *smiling*". What the? Are you asking so that you can show off or put me down? Dun bother cos i will ask you to go to hell.

I'm so sick of ppl keep asking me why i dun like to do the oral thing for i get paid and i get to skip lessons. This is why i dun like to do the oral stuffs because it disrupt my lessons! I get paid as a teacher too and my main duties as i see it to make sure that i teaches my classes well. I'm tired of telling how competitive my school is and how quick they are to point fingers. If you dun understand, you never will. I just hope that those who find oral interesting will stop bothering me with these qns. Good for you if you do.

I'm so sick of ppl telling me that my school is not that bad and that it is worse elsewhere. It is true that i do not know if it is worse elsewhere. But i know what i'm going through. I thank for ppl who is trying to encourage me. But to those ppl who just wanna compare, pls go away. Yes, yes.. I know you have been through as a new teacher before.. Yes, yes.. I know you din have it easy too. But i din write to compare with anyone. I'm simply writing my life. Did it even occur to you that maybe in a very small percentage that my life really sucks now? Imgaine, i can even get blame on small things like daily marking attendance! Just makes me feel like i'm walking on thin ice.

I think it is just like what i told S today. I'm sick. I'm sick of the school.

This is one of the reason why i like my IT HOD. He is soooo funny.. This is the conversation i had with him today before the meeting..

HOD: Cindy, how's the oral? Not too boring for you i hope. But no choice, cos new teachers always kena wan..

Me: The oral is ok (i can't tell him i'm very bored with it right??). Luckily got AA to share my load.

HOD: OF course! I purposely arranged the two of you together so that you can help each other out. Good right? Where to find such good HOD? Haha..

Me: -_-" (softly) Well, it would be better if we do not need to go down at all..

HOD: Wah! So greedy but i like!

Me: Humans are always greedy, just out nature.

HOD: Hmmm.. Speaking about human nature, display some your human nature and ask me who is your secret admirer.

Me: Huh?

HOD: Dun get so excited leh.. It is someone sitting near you though.. hahaha

Me: How come you will know if i really got a secret admirer?

HOD: Of course i know! Even though i'm sitting downstairs, i still know what is going on upstairs..

At this point, i was really speechless. I mean do your HOD gossip with you?? I have never try before. Luckily AA came in, and we can finally begin the meeting.

Another day in school. I only have 2 periods today which is good for me cos i'm very tired. Was telling one of colleagues, that although the students here are better, i felt less motivated to teach. I felt as though i'm letting my students down. Because of the low morale, it is affecting my teaching.

My lesson did not go so well just now. In fact, i didn't even manage to get anything done. I spend the whole 2 periods, disciplining and talking to the students. It is not that they canno behave (they are very good last week). One of the students told me that i dun smile when i went in to teach them. This brings me to think. It is pretty true that i hadn't been smiling a lot lately. Is things really that bad for me? I just hope i dun go into a depression mood now..

TIC!!!!!

Finally am posting up my TIC photos. But it won't be much cos most of it had been posted on my friends' blog. Here it goes..

Sigh.. That's us.. Still so crazy even on our TIC. Damn.. I'm so gonna miss them.

Just some thoughts..

Disclaimer: I'm sorry if any part of this entry sounds like i'm attacking anyone. It is really just a pure entry of my thoughts, and what i'm going through. If it offended you, i sincerely apologise.

I had wanted to blog about my TIC but i think i would only do that when i have gotten all the photos from my friends.

Read all the comments that had been left on my blog. First, i must say, i'm really touch for all your encouragement. However, I must emphasis that i'm not trying to outbeat someone else on who had it worst. I'm just ranting out what i cannot stand. Probably a bit over doing but hey! I have always say that my blog is my way out of my frustrations. So pardon me, if you cannot agree on what i'm saying. But then again, what is there to agree or disagree?

It's true that i can choose to be happy or choose to feel helpless. Maybe you won't believe it but i'd tried to choose to be positive about my working environment and workload. It is only when i really cannot take it, then i come to my blog to bitch about it. To me, it is a way out so that i can move on with my work again. I figure that it beats keeping within yourself till i explode.

Of course i'm not saying that the rest of you have it easy. Most of you probably are busy with one thing or another. I'm just saying that i'm unhappy about certain stuffs (which probably is the result of insufficient sleep as well). I just wish to have more time relating to teaching instead of doing stuffs which i dun see will be able to help my students. For your info, in my school, if a class do badly, it is always the teacher's fault. Whether you have enough time to do remedial with or not is irrelavant.

So pardon me, if this sounds selfish but i really wanna pass my probation. My classes weren't that fantastic to begin with (in fact, most teachers call them hopeless). If i dun have enough time for them, they aren't gonna pass. I have a heavy burden on my shoulder. I have to make my NA science class pass their science. Not very difficult you said. But consider this, only 30% just pass the subject in mid-year and my principal and subject head sort of hinted me that they wanna see me doing some results with them.

So, of course i'm furious when the oral thing takes away my curiculum time with them (i dun even have enough time to go through the topics with them, not to mention i HAVE to finsh with the SOW..). And of course, i will be furious when i dun have time to do remedial with them or to simply prepare for my lesson. And finally of course i will be furious when on top of all these, i have to come out with 'quality' test papers. I'm tired. I just wanna have a rest now. I so tired that i have trouble waking up in the morning.

It is not only physical tiring, it is stressful mentally also. Forgive me even though my 25 periods a week looks so much better than those who had 32 periods a week.

P/S: Just for info sake, i'm doing a form teacher stuffs even though i'm co-form in name because my mentor is just oh.. so busy. At least your fren get credits for what he does, J.